Marriage counseling
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Therapy or marriage counseling is often something people turn to when they feel their marriage is suffering, but they still want to try and make it work out. There are many different thoughts and feelings about marriage counseling, and whether or not it is even effective. The following is a look at some of the different philosophies of marriage counseling, as well as how to find a good counselor, what to expect to pay, and more.
What type of marriage counseling should you seek?
Every marriage counselor has a different approach to solving marital issues. There is no way for there to be an exact science to the complex world of relationships, and thus every counselor is different. However, no matter what counselor you see, or what philosophy they follow, the goals of marriage counseling are typically the same:
First, your marriage counselor will want to help you and your spouse to increase respect, affection, and closeness in your marriage.
Second, they will want to help you to break through and resolve conflict when you feel stuck on something. Hence they will act as a mediator and guide of sorts.
Third, they will strive to generate greater understanding between you and your partner regardless of the specific issues.
Fourth, they will want to keep conflict discussions calm so your emotions do not override your ability to problem solve.
Fifth, they will be there to help maintain improvements in your relationship.
The specific problems you have, and your value and belief system will dictate some of the suggestions, as well as the type of counselor you seek, but in general those are the things the counselor is there to do.
How can a marriage counselor help you?
Tips for making your first session of marriage counseling successful
Start by seeing your therapist separately. While most marriage counselors see couples together in the first session, ask that they see you separately for at least fifteen minutes so that they can get both of your viewpoints without bias. Being separate the first session allows you to get things off your chest a little, and helps you feel more comfortable and secure as you adjust to the idea of therapy. It also helps eliminate some big fights.
Take the time to familiarize yourself with the counselor. You can't expect them to solve all of your marriage problems in the first session, so rather than set high expectations, instead let the first session be able you feeling confident and comfortable with the counselor, and make sure that you are comfortable with their style of approach. If you have negative feelings about their take on marital therapy, find someone else.
Know what you want to get out of marriage counseling. If you go into the marriage counseling session with a specific goal in mind, whether that is to restore love to your marriage, improve your sex life, or regain trust, etc. it does not matter. You want to have a goal in mind, and you want to have some specifics for why that goal is not being met, such as you have developed habits that lead to hurt, and you want to avoid those and learn new habits. You then let them know that you want their perspective and help in this process.
Trust your counselor. During the first session you may feel like little progress is made, but the best thing you can do to make your session successful is to establish some trust with the counselor you have chosen. If your way of doing that is looking at their credentials, then ask that they show them to you. If it is by having them listen and understand you, then give it a go. Just try and establish a trust of sorts with them so you can be honest and open during counseling to better improve the marriage.
A marriage counselor is going to help you learn some techniques to help you through some rough patches in your marriage. Some counselors believe active listening is the cure all for marital problems, and this is not necessarily the case, but it can help. Others will help you learn how to control your emotions, and express your feelings in more constructive ways, etc. However, the idea behind a marriage counselor is to have someone there to help provide an environment and a skill set that allows you to avoid emotional minefields so that you can get through painful experiences, and hurt to create a romantic love and happy marriage. Your counselor should teach you how to recognize the triggers of emotional reactions that get in the way of or distract you from your goal of a happy marriage, and help you to practice damage control when you step on one.
What kind of emotional landmines are we referring to? Hurt feelings are the most common, but depression, anger, panic, paranoia and many others also exist, and have a way of sabotaging efforts for a happy marriage.
So, how can a good marriage counselor help?
Well, they are going to help you avoid the land mines by understanding the enormous stress you are under, and thus help you to diagnose and treat the problems based on the emotional reactions that are given to them. In other words, they act as an unaffected party to help you get perspective so that not all actions are emotion based, but rather can have logic, ration, and goal oriented outcomes. In other words, they are going to be there to help calm down your emotions, and help you see that just because you are reacting with strong emotions, does not make you and your spouse incompatible, and destined for divorce.
A good marriage counselor is going to be beneficial because they are going to help you overcome the discouragement you may be feeling towards your marriage and its likelihood of success, and get you back on the track of believing that your marriage has the potential to be great, and that with the right efforts you and your spouse will find great joy together. Having someone believe that your efforts will result in success, even if you do not, can be very useful when it comes to marriage problems. This is because discouragement is contagious. When one spouse is discouraged, the other quickly follows, especially if family and friends hop on the discouragement train and whisper things in your ear about how your marriage is not going to work, or it is not worth it. Thus, having someone like a marriage counselor there to provide encouragement when none is there to be had, can go a long way to helping your marriage succeed.
In addition to that, your marriage counselor should help you to create solutions, or at least a path to finding solutions to your specific marital problems. If there was an answer for marital problems that was general and could be found online, no one would need marriage counselors. However, a marriage counselor can help you to evaluate your specific problems, and tailor a custom made approach to finding solutions based on your needs. Obviously it is possible to find ways to solve your marital problems on your own, a good marriage counselor is a good strategy resource, and can help you see things or solutions that your biases do not allow you to see on your own.
If you have specific problems, look for a counselor that has training in that area. For example, many counselors obtain special training for many common marital problems, such as sexual incompatibility and financial conflicts. They likely have high rates of success at solving these particular problems, and thus would be very helpful for you if that is one of your problems. You would not hire a mechanic to fix your computer, or a computer repair man to fix your car, so hire someone trained to fix your specific problems.
How can you find a good marriage counselor?
Now that yo know what a good marriage counselor will do for you, the question becomes how can you find one that is good? Well, just like anything else you are looking for, you want to do some research. Initially you just need to find counselors for marriage in general. You may do this by consulting your religious leader and seeing if there are counselors offered through your church. You may simply look online or in the phone book. You may ask for referrals from friends or family. Once you have a pool of counselors to choose from, be sure to take the necessary steps to find someone that can help you and your spouse. To do this, you will want to have a preliminary (free of charge) interview with them by telephone. This will help you to decide if you like them, as you need to be comfortable with them since you are sharing personal problems. In addition it will help you to determine if they are qualified.
You should ask the counselor some of the following questions:
How many years have you been a counselor? What are your credentials? Do you help your clients avoid emotional hazards of marriage, or are you just going to suggest active listening and communication? Do you help motivate your clients to complete a program for marital happiness? Do you suggest strategies to solve your clients' marital problems?
In addition to this you may want to tell the counselor what kinds of marriage problems you have, and see if they have expertise in that area, or would suggest you see someone else. For example, if your spouse thinks they may be gay, and you are working through that issue together, some counselors will be more qualified and experienced, and thus more able to help you in that specific arena of concern.
How much does marriage counseling cost?
Most insurance companies will not pay for things like marriage counseling unless for some reason it is linked to psychological problems, etc. Thus, you should plan to pay for the therapy yourself. Most counselors charge per session, and while this rate varies significantly, the average session of 50 minutes will run you $95. Most counselors will want to see you as a couple once a week for a few months, generally a minimum of three months, so your overall cost is usually going to be around $1200 dollars or so. If you need extra therapy it will cost more, if you progress quickly it will cost less. In addition, many couples choose to visit their counselor again once every six months to ensure they are keeping up with what they need to do to keep the marriage on the right track.
Of course for some couples the cost is far higher, such as weekly sessions for more than a year. However, even with that cost, a divorce is much more expensive, and thus if you can make your marriage work with the help of counseling you are actually going to be saving money.
Marriage Counseling Links
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Thank you for reading, Dawn. It is very important to approach any relationship problems early. Relationships with children, siblings, etc. We live in an age where too few know how to give constructive criticism and get anxious about sharing their feelings and worries.
This leads to one "checking out" as you've mentioned and it's sad. It seems to me that if people would just learn to communicate (I know that topic has been going on for decades) we could mitigate and/or avoid most relationship problems before they become terminal.
Your thoughts on that, Dawn?
My husband and i have been fight since x-mas eve and i wants to separate because I cant fulfill his fantasy. I would do anything to stay with him and i'm not sure if I can do anything. What do I do?
Vanginkels, this is where the suggestion for counseling comes in. Professionals who have dealt with many issues touching many marriages will be better equipped to help you work through your issues. A key is that they are an objective third party. Those three words are immensely important.
dawnM 23 months ago
Hi I like this article I am going to use it in my new article on staying together for the children. Good information, being a marriage counselor myself, one of the biggest problems with counseling is that many couples come in to late, when one partner already has checked out. The best advice I can give to married couples is come into marriage counseling early on when problems can still be resolved