Marital road bumps, don't let them mean a breakdown

Every marriage has some problems, which we are going to refer to as road bumps. If you want to make your marriage work, that does not mean you have to avoid all possible road bumps, rather, successful marriages are those with partners that are prepared for and know how to deal with these difficult situations.

The most common marital road bumps include things like equality or submission concerns, finances, family issues, family planning or parenting, in-laws, domestic violence, sex problems, infidelity, gender role issues, health concerns, pornography, housework or chores, stress, cultural differences, etc. Let's take a look at the more common marital road bumps and what you can do to not let these conflicts lead to divorce:

Money: This is one of the biggest areas where marriages run into problems. Money is problematic because it symbolizes power and security. If funds are being misused this leads to a great deal of stress, and thus unhappiness in marriage. If you want to keep the marital road bump of money from leading to a marriage break down it is important to decide early who is going to pay the bills, and how money is to be allocated. In other words, create a budget together that meets your needs and some of your wants, and then make sure there is a specific person in charge of paying the bills. Also discuss how financial decisions will be made, and who is expected to earn the money. Having clear expectations about money, its uses and allocation make this marital road bump much easier to maneuver.

Religion: When you are young and in love you think a difference like religious beliefs is not enough to matter, however, it can drive a big wedge between married couples, especially when decisions like what religion will the kids be part of, or will I attend church alone, become relevant. If you want to avoid this marital road bump, marry within your religion, and with someone that has similar morals and values. If you want to make sure this road bump does not lead to a breakdown, be sure to discuss together what you expect from the other in way of religion, and what your policy will be for your kids about baptism, etc. If you can't come to an agreement, then you need to work harder to compromise, or to make sure your view points are being listened to and understood.

Sex: This is a marital road bump that is often very tricky to maneuver because the fact is many people are uncomfortable talking about sex openly with their spouse. Problems range from unmet sexual desires, to infrequent sex, to discomfort. If you want to solve sex problems communication is key, however, it must be coupled with respect and trust. Work to build the trust and respect in the relationship, then be open with your spouse about what you like, what you do not like, what you want to try, where you draw the line, your fantasies, your desire to fulfill their fantasies, etc. If you can discuss sex and find a safe compromise where both of you feel valued, respected, and where both of your desires are being met, this becomes a great thing, not a road bump.

In-laws: The old mother-in-law jokes become all too real for some people, and the best way to not let this marital road bump lead to a breakdown of the marriage is to have solidarity in your marriage. In other words, show a we-ness in your marriage, and a united front. Consistently choose your spouse over your parents, brothers, sisters, etc. Even if you disagree with your spouse, or want to side with your parents, if you want to not let in-laws be a problem, align with your spouse in all things.

Chores: Chores are a common road bump in that many times one spouse feels that they are carrying a bigger load than the other. Usually this would be the wife. They may feel taken for granted, or disrespected because their spouse does not notice, or take on, their fair share of the household duties. The best way to not let this lead to breakdown is once again to communicate the issue, and to work together to create a compromise so that feelings of unfairness do not turn into resentment. This means discuss what you expect and why, and literally create chore lists where you divide out the chores. This might be something like he cleans the kitchen on weekends, and she does it during the week, so while it is not necessarily fifty fifty, as long as it is divided in a way that all parties feel good about things, then you avoid the bigger problems that come from resentment. If you do not speak up, you can't fix the problem.

Parenting: We often parent based on how we were raised, and since you and your spouse were raised by separate sets of parents, there is a good chance your ideas on parenting will be pretty far apart. If you never take the time to discuss your philosophies of parenting, and what you intend and expect, then those differences can be very frustrating. So, be sure to sit down with your spouse and discuss all aspects of parenting. Whose primary role the care will be. How you will discipline children. How you will address problems with the child. Who will attend the events, etc. Come to an agreement on these things through discussion, and you will be able to have a united front, and stronger marriage.

Infidelity: This is a problem of broken trust. When you marry someone you trust them to cling only to you, and when they break that trust by having relations outside of the marital bond, this often leads to gaping holes in other areas of the marriage as well. If you want to fix this problem, you have to work to re-establish that trust. That means never say you will do something you won't do. Be extremely careful to never let them down, this means be on time, call when you say you will, put them first, remember what you say you will do etc. Something as little as forgetting to take the trash out when you said you would can lead to a marriage breakdown if you have already breached your trust in a significant way. So, be careful about what you say you will do, and always do it.

Pornography: Porn is a growing problem in marriages today. It is usually a road bump that leads to breakdown because of the feelings it creates in the spouse not involved in porn, and the addictive behaviors in brings out in the spouse that is. If you want to avoid breakdown when you hit this marital road bump it is crucial that you discuss your feelings, what you are okay with, what you are not okay with, and the consequences attached. For example, if you find looking at pornography morally repugnant, and in addition to that it makes you feel insecure that your spouse is looking at it, you need to talk to them about it. You need to tell them how it makes you feel, how it violates your values, and that you are not going to stand for it. They then would need to comply or help you understand why they do it, and you have to come to a compromise.

Holidays: Whose family do you spend the holidays with? Whose family traditions get carried on into your family, and whose get left behind? Holidays are usually very important to people and most people have customs and traditions surrounding them. To make sure the differences here do not lead to marital break down it is a good idea to make a list of the holiday traditions you are unwilling to give up, then sit down with your spouse and both of you discuss what is important to you. If opening a gift on Christmas Eve is important to you, your spouse will likely understand and not be against it. When your traditions conflict, such as if one of you likes to spend Thanksgiving watching football and gorging themselves, and the other uses the holiday as a time to give back and serve in the community through volunteering at a soup kitchen, then you have to come to some sort of agreement on what you will do. In some cases this is a compromise like you will serve in the soup kitchen from noon until three, and then you will spend the rest of the day eating and watching football. For other couples one person gives up their idea entirely, but then gets to dictate what is done for a different holiday. The compromise is up to you, but there should be compromise.

Gender roles: The best way to not let this marital road bump be a breakdown point is to express your expectations, and listen to your spouse's expectations, then discuss whether or not, and how the said expectations will be met. For example, if he expects her to stay home and have dinner on the table at five thirty when he gets home from work, but she expects to work, then the way their expectations can both be met in a way is she may be able to work part time in the mornings so she can still work, and get dinner on the table by five-thirty.

There are many other issues or road bumps, it would be impossible to name them all. However, for all of them there is a common theme to not let them lead to further problems. This is to be open and honest about expectations, and to work together to make a compromise that you both can be happy about.