How to improve child-parent communication

The child-parent communication dynamic is often a difficult one to maneauver. However, one concern many parents have is that of how to improve their communication with their children. The fact is that every parent could use some help in this area. The following are some basic communication principles for parents and children, following them can really help the communication between you and your child:

Tip one: Let the child know that you are interested and involved. A lot of times kids and parents do not communicate well simply because the child feels like their parents have little interest in what they are thinking and feeling. If you want to improve your communication, be sure that your child knows that you do care, and that you will help when needed. This will help make parent-child communication more comfortable, if not more frequent.

Tip two: Pay attention when your child wants to talk. This is a big mistake that many parents make. They want their kids to talk to them, but they want it to be on their time and in their way. The fact is that this is just not realistic. Chances are your child will not want to talk when you have all of the time in the world, but as soon as you are on the phone, or watching a program, they will be more inclined to do so. If your child wants to talk, turn off the television or put the newspaper down. If your child has something important to tell you, end your phone conversation, and call the person back later. Are they more important than your child? It is unlikely. So, show your child that they are important by actually making them a priority and not the show you are watching or the chore you are doing. Stop, look at them, and actually listen.

Tip three: Do your best to keep conversations, specifically ones when a child is being reprimanded or scolded, in private. Unless other people are specifically meant to be included, hold conversations in privacy, regardless of the subject matter. Even if your child is not in trouble, the best communication between you and the child will occur when others are not around. However, if it is a matter of discipline it is even more important that you follow this rule, as it will help your child understand that you respect and love them, but that they need discipline.

Tip four: Never embarrass or put your child on the spot. Embarrassing the child or putting him on the spot in front of others leads resentment and hostility, not good communication. If you are upset with your child, do not yell at them in front of their friends. Instead, pull them into a different room, wait until their friends leave, etc. This is not only true of friends. You never want to embarrass a child in front of their siblings either as this leads to resentment not just of you, but of the siblings that witnessed the event. This is not something that is good for communication or for family peace and harmony. Be sure you do not ignore behaviors that are inappropriate, but if necessary, wait to discuss them when it can be done in private.

Tip five: Get on their level. One of the easiest ways to improve parent and child communication is to simply get down on their level by having you both sit, or by having you get down on a knee, etc. You don't want tower over your child. Physically get down to the child's level then talk. This will help them feel more like an equal, and get far less defensive. Defensiveness shuts the doors to communication, so do anything and everything possible to keep that from happening.

Tip six: Be calm. If you are very angry about a behavior or an incident, don't attempt communication with your child until you regain your composure and do not feel so emotional about it. You cannot be objective until then. It is better to stop, settle down, and talk to the child later, then to fly into an incoherent rage, or to simply scream at your child. It might be a good outlet for your anger, but it will do nothing to improve communication, just the opposite in fact. So, be sure that you make it a goal to always approach communicating with your child, even when it is a difficult subject, with objectivity and rational thought. If necessary, have a third, more objective person there to help you through the situation. For example, if your teenage daughter comes to you and tells you she is pregnant and wants to keep the baby, you might want to scream and yell, and blame. A better approach would be to calm down, think rationally, and consider having a church leader, or close friend, sit in on the discussion of what you will do.

Tip seven: Learn how to listen well. One of the keys to any communication, regardless of whether or not it is between parent and child is that of learning how to listen. Active listening, listening well, and being attentive is critical. However, there are times when as a parent, you simply can't listen well. For example, if you are very tired, you will have to make an extra effort to be an active listener. Genuine active listening is hard work and is very difficult when your mind and body are already tired. Most parents are tired a lot, which is part of the difficulty between child-parent communication. So, make sure that you are prepared to listen, mentally and physically. Once you are prepared to do listening, then listen carefully and politely. Don't interrupt the child when he is trying to tell his or her story, no matter what you have to say. Be as courteous to your child as you would be to your friends, or co-workers. The fact is that many parents feel an intrinsic right to interrupt and force their opinion or belief simply because they are in a positive of authority, but this should simply not be so. Listen, if you can't, postpone the conversation to a time when you can.

Tip eight: Actually listen before reacting. This is an incredibly difficult, but worthy goal. Many parents struggle with this, but if you can master the art of it, your child-parent communication will be greatly improved. This means that as your child explains something to you, you wait until you have the whole story before you start going at it. In some cases, you start to unravel minor threads of a story before you get the whole picture, making it incredibly difficult for proper communication to take place. For example, let's say your neighbor rapes your fourteen year old daughter, without you knowing. If your fourteen year old daughter came to you and told you she was pregnant, and you started to scream at her and ask her how should could do such a thing, or what her plan was, or who the father was, etc. before learning that she had been raped and was too frightened to tell you, how would you feel? Obviously most communications will not be over matters this serious, but it is a good thing to remember to listen to the whole story before starting to pass judgement, sentence, etc.

In most cases the best approach to be able to do this is to not ask why, but do ask what happened. The why's rarely matter in the end, and can only serve to frustrate you and your child. In many cases, especially those of teens, there is not real reason why. "It seemed fun." "My friends were doing it." etc. are all logical explanations to a teen, and frustrations for a parent. So, ask what not why.

Tip nine: Speak up. Sometimes communication is hampered because you are waiting for them to come clean or to approach you. If you have knowledge of a situation, confront the child with the information that you know or have been told. If you know they got detention at school, do not wait for them to tell you, simply address the subject. This does two things, it alleviates the opportunity for you to be angry if they do not come to you fast enough or at all, and second it gets things out in the open for discussion, a necessary part of parent-child communication.

Tip ten: Keep adult talking to a minimum. What is adult talking? Adult talking is when you talk down to a child and say things like, "Because I said so." or "I know what's best for you." or "Just do what I say." Most of the times these sorts of phrases get kids on the defensive, and make them shut their mouths instead of communicate with you. Kids are smarter in most cases then to argue aloud with such silly reasoning from you. Instead their eyes will shoot daggers at you, and their mind will be racing with all sorts of nasty thoughts. So, when possible, keep preaching and moralizing to a minimum because they are not helpful in getting communication open. In addition to that, make sure that you speak to your child with respect. Never refer to them in a derogatory way as this will not fuel good communication, rather resentment. Saying things like "Stupid, what were you thinking?" Or, "You are just a kid" can wipe out all progress made in the communication arena.

These ten tips will greatly help you with your communication with your child, and as you learn to be a better communicator, you can assist your child in planning some specific steps to the solution to common behavioral, and other problems. Good communication, and making efforts to communicate with your child is a great way to show that you accept the child, regardless of what he has or has not done. This in turn will help keep communication good, will boost confidence, and will make the relationship better. As you and your child make positive strides in communication, be sure to reinforce the child for keeping communication open. Do this by accepting them and praising their efforts to communicate. Most of the time, praise will result in more of the same actions, rather than resistance.

Of course it is also important that as you strive to improve child-parent communication that you are consistent with it. You should start at a young age, frequently holding conversations with your child where you solicit their opinion, and help them see that their thoughts do matter to you. As you do this you will find that even during harder times (like teen years) your child will feel comfortable talking to you, as long as you stay apart of their life, and never resort to wielding your "parent power" over them as a way to glean information.