Does my wife still want her ex-husband?

Question:

My wife was married before, and she has a daughter from that marriage. I treat her daughter like she is my own. Her ex gets her every other weekend, and every Wednesday. He is scheduled to pick her up at 5:00, and I usually get home from work at 6:00. He is often still at the house when I arrive home. It worries me that they are so friendly, and that my wife enjoys his company so much, especially since I am not home when he gets there. He left her for another woman, and she really did not want to get divorced, so it stresses me out that she still has feelings for him, and wants him still. I am not sure what I can do.

Answer:

Relationships are based on trust, and so if you want to keep your current marriage steady, whether or not she does have feelings for her ex or not, you should talk to her about it. It may be an uncomfortable feeling, but it is important, as you are indicating you do not trust your wife to spend time alone with her ex.

It is important that you think about the fact that she was married to this man, and he left her. This might mean that her spending time with him and being friendly is helping her get over the hurt. Additionally, it might be her way of boosting her ego. The fact that he is staying, and spending time with her means he wants to be around her. While this may leave you un-settled, it is probably helping her deal with some of her latent grief at being left. It is like seeing someone who rejected you and showing them that you are doing great, and are happy without them. In a way it is a great therapy for her. In addition, there is not an on/off switch to feelings. If she loved him once, it may be difficult for her to not have some feelings toward him. Whether or not she is the kind of person to act on those feelings is what you should be worried about.

Of course, your suspicions may be right. She may still want her ex-husband and have latent feelings for him. So, if you are concerned you could go to work early on the days he comes so that you can be home when he gets there. You can let her know of your concern and see what you can do to make sure that she is feeling comfortable in your relationship, and that you are doing everything in your power to make the relationship work. Sometimes a woman will flirt with another man, or entertain ideas about another man as a way of getting you to show her the attention she wants. If that is her reasoning, then it is a simple matter of figuring it out so that you can give her what she needs.